If you asked my husband what nuggets of wisdom I had to share he’d tell you not to bother asking me because, as the person who I am most honest and vulnerable with, I constantly express a lot of regret to him about my past and the decisions I’ve made in my life. But I can also be my most true authentic self with him, so he gets to hear all that and then gently nudges me forward so I can focus on the future instead.
According to the Office of National Statistic life expectancy for women is around 82 years which means I’m just over half way through my life, and well and truly established in my midlife, which feels a bit surreal to be honest because I still feel more like 35.
I remember my mum in her mid 40’s and she seemed so different to how I am now - grown up, responsible, mature. But now that I’m here I realise two things, firstly she certainly did not have all her shit together and was incredibly irresponsible in some aspects of her life. Secondly, my life looks completely different to hers in my 40’s because the world is so different now. Healthcare, technology, politics, culture, even motherhood, all different and therefore navigating my journey through this decade is too.
So where has midlife taken me so far then? Well, let’s dive in...
Now before we get started it’s important to remember that everyones life story is also different, we all experience different choices and opportunities as we grow older and we all have various family histories that will impact on who we are and what we believe — this is my truth.
Now when I turned 30 I was a hot mess (you can’t ask my husband about that though because he didn’t know me then!) I was with a younger guy who, quite frankly, was a waste of my time but I clung on to the relationship because I thought that if wasn’t married, pregnant and a home owner by 31 I had failed in life and would never achieve anything... I know, imagine telling our young women now that the definition of success is being married with babies by 30 - yuck! So in a nutshell turning 30 was miserable BUT my 30’s were great and my life transformed.
Then 40 started to approach, and although I was very aware of the situation the build up was different. I felt full of motivation, creativity and hope. I was a mum of two girls and trying for another baby, felt good in my career and we were on the property ladder, enjoying life. In fact turning 40 was amazing, my husband surprised me with a trip to Seattle and we had the best time away without the girls, exploring a part of the US that we wanted to do together.
I came out of that birthday feeling like a strong, healthy woman with so much potential and really comfortable and confident in myself and who I was at the core.
Now comes the next 5 years...
Another baby, and let me tell you having a baby in your forties is no joke.
I honestly never anticipated how hard it would be physically and mentally. I experienced the postnatal period and peri-menopause all at the same time, which was crazy. My body was all over the place but I’ve come to realise now how important it is to look after it. For me being 40 means building physical strength, treating my body with kindness, being patient with it and not abusing it, which also means sorting out my binge eating tendencies and healing my emotions. 3 kids also means being more organised than I ever have been before, which doesn’t come easy to me! My middle one is neurodiverse and through supporting her to organise herself and lessen distractions I’ve been able to figure out some systems for myself, including delegation to others, getting enough sleep and using tools like a daily planner and a colour coded task list.
Then a world in isolation.
I was 42 and a half when Covid 19 shut down everything we knew and took for granted and after two years of loving my 40’s the world stopped and so did my life (and of course so did everyone else). I felt this really weird grief for my former self, I went from the world is my oyster to isolated homeschooling mum, binging on wine and ice cream and feeling completely lost and hopeless. It sounds quite sad I know and I did feel that way for such a long time but here's what that time taught me. Nothing lasts forever, even shitty, stressful things that are forced on to you. Life keeps changing and therefore so do your circumstances so keep putting one foot in front of the other and talk the hard things through with the people around you, even if you can’t do that face to face. Because those times will also reveal the true people in your life t—at get you, so look out for them, invest in those relationships.
Money isn’t everything but it sure helps!
You know that saying saving for a rainy day? Well, I never did, and I’m paying the price for it now. Throughout my 45 years no one ever really showed me how to take care of my finances or tell me why it’s important that I should. Now in my mid forties I’m finally learning this because we’re in the middle of a cost of living crisis and it feels overwhelming. When I was younger money was just something to pay the bills and buy new clothes with, and although I’m proud that we’ve worked hard to buy a house I’m disappointed in myself with the lack of financial stability I have created for myself as a woman. So these last few years I’ve started to educate myself on this, social media has been really helpful road map in finding financially savvy women I can learn from and moving forward I’ve learnt how vital it will be to pass this wisdom down to my kids.
From support worker to librarian.
I worked as a support worker for a parenting website for 10 years and when I started I was very proud of my job and what it stood for. I had some amazing opportunities to develop my career, met some really inspiring women and did something I whole heartedly believed in. Circumstances changed though, and I guess I did too, one of the biggest things I’ve learnt in my career over the last 10 years is to not let fear or convenience hold you back from jumping into something new. I should of made that jump a long time ago, fortunately I had people around me to support me when I eventually did and I took my time to figure out what was next. Now I’m surrounded by books all day, I have a great manager who whole heartedly supports me to work around my family and I’m developing new skills and potential again, showing me (and hopefully you) that it’s never actually too late to make that jump.
Coming home to my authentic self
So this is something that I’ve only just started to get to grips with. I knew for a while I needed something but I didn’t know what that was. As I came out of the lockdown bubble I messed about with all kinds of ideas to find myself. One was an online course in counselling that I loved but didn’t really have the time or mindset to do, which was a huge financial mistake too and left me feel pretty deflated and a completed failure. Then I started listening to a podcast called To Be Magnetic and I found something that resonated. I signed up for their neural manifestation membership the day I quit my job and haven’t looked back (SIDE NOTE: this is not an advert, I just really fucking love this programme and how it’s changed my life). Having the tools to tap into your authenticity, be honest with yourself, face your demons and stand in your true power has become so empowering. And although I do wonder if I could have done this before, I think being forty has actually helped me to look at some of the difficult things in my life that I may not have been able to before. Finding the right tool has been the key, and being brave enough to try things out and say not for me if it doesn’t work.
So it all adds up to this, loving my body, nurturing the relationships that matter, investing in my financial as well as my personal wellbeing, embracing change rather than fearing it and connecting to authenticity in every corner of my life has been the foundation of my forties so far and I can’t wait to see what the next 5 years hold!
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